What a year it has been! 2022 was a year of tremendous transformation and growth for me. Most years, I know I look for what changed in me and around me. Most years, I know I look at whether I am closer to who I want to be, a version of me that I like better. A version that I am proud to be. Most years, there has been some change and some transformation that allows me to see that I like the person stepping into the next year better than the one from a year ago.
This year, I love this version stepping into the next year….really love. Finally.
As I have reflected on the year, I have really spent time thinking about what I wanted to be different, what changed during the year that I didn’t even realize could change and what didn’t.
Let me start with how I walked into 2022. For the first time, I hadn’t really come up with a word for the year. Each year for the past 5 or so, I have had a word that has anchored my vision for me for the year. It has been the bind that tied my intentions together and gave me something to really focus my attention, letting my energy flow where I needed and wanted. I had a lot of consternation walking into the year, a lot of confusion coming out of a year where my word was Soar. Soar wasn’t exactly what I did in the previous year. I flew a bit, maybe soared in some areas of my life but not in the way I had written out in my vision. Too many things got in my way. Too many feelings of unworthiness popped up for me to soar that year. I thought about using it again, and decided it really didn’t feel right. Soaring wasn’t the feeling I was really looking for at that moment. I do think my age began to play a part. What 60 year old soars! Maybe we fly a bit, but we are on the downward track of the roller coaster, heading toward a more sedate part of our lives. Or are we? Was I making myself older than I really am? Okay, soar didn’t sit right for 2022 so it wasn’t the word. A friend of mine suggested I use Love as my word. I gave that thought and I guess I would say I sort of did use it, even though it was never overt. It wasn’t used in my intentions for the year, however it was certainly part of my thinking as I approached life and situations. Love and compassion for me and others became words I would use as I worked through situations in the year. Times when I felt unworthy or deflated and gave myself the love, compassion and space I needed. Times when others needed my love and compassion and I gave it as freely as possible, sometimes better than others.
But, I really did not have a word for the year. I did, however, use how I felt and wanted to feel as my gauge for the year and for my intentions. That was one of the big reflections I had for 2022. I used my guiding life feelings to really shape how I responded to situations; how I approached my life this year. My guiding life feeling were joy, gratitude and limitless (changed from flow part of the way through the year when I re-wrote my vision based on new learnings.) Using these feelings allows us to check in with ourselves, when we aren’t feeling these ways, how can we infuse something to help us get there. I infused a lot of joy and gratitude in when I was not feeling it. That helped me to really stay true to who I was becoming. SHE is of joy and gratitude, love and service and SHE loves feeling that way.
Another big reflection for me was the changes I made to my fundamental belief structure to help me be in these feelings for the most part. Many of my old beliefs were about not being good enough and worthy enough so I had to prove it to myself and others. I had beliefs that I wouldn’t be loved if I didn’t do for others (even if that meant I sacrificed what I wanted to do). I believed that people would no longer love me and call me friend (or family for that matter) if I shared how I really felt about something or if they didn’t like what I was doing or saying. I always thought all of my relationships were fleeting, given two husbands lied about their feelings how could others really like or love me? Meaning, I wasn’t secure in any relationships, family or friendships. I saw them all as relationships that could end at any time. So I tried to please my way through them, doing what others wanted even when I didn’t want to. I worked at these beliefs, to change that underlying feeling of unworthiness and really embodying the new beliefs. My belief structure is much more aligned with the energy of me today. Beliefs no longer focus on what I think I need Burt instead focus on where I am. Life is perfect as it is, I do not need anything else. I am my own approval, nobody else gets to tell me what I’m doing is right or wrong, it is my life. I don’t need validation from others. Nobody gets to judge me, I don’t judge me. I approach life from a place of love and service; that belief I fully embody and have a while now. What others think of me is none of my business. This belief was a fundamental shift for me. I no longer look to others to approve me; what they think is not important. What I think about me is what is important.
All of these shifts in beliefs meant healing traumas, expanding my thinking and perspective and then growing from a place of learning.
Two other big shifts for me this year that stood out are about boundaries and needs versus desires. I don’t need anything. I don’t need a partner. I don’t need a ton of clients and big programs. I don’t need to be busy all of the time. I don’t need a new house. I don’t need to have some people in my life. I don’t need. What I do now is get fully in touch with what I desire. I desire companionship to travel. I desire clients who I can serve and help reach their desires. I desire calm and ease. I desire fun and playfulness. I desire a new place to call home that is aligned with me. I desire a deeper connection with the divine.
Boundaries was one of my biggest lessons and changes this year. In the past, I viewed boundaries as something I had to do to save my sanity. However it also created guilt for me; along with shame and some blame. I viewed it as boundaries to keep people and their energy away; to keep situations away from me that could upset my peace. I have learned this year that it can be much more fluid and less absolute. It isn’t about keeping anything out; it is about what I let in, and how much. I no longer view it as an all or nothing game. It is about what energy and how much of that energy I want in. That includes work energy, people energy, and that big BUSYNESS energy; you know the one that says I have to do everything and be everywhere even if I run myself ragged.
My boundaries are solely about what energy I let in and how much of it and when. I no longer feel any guilt as I protect my energy. I no longer feel any shame for not wanting to be around some energy that often. I now pick and choose how much and when I want the energy in my sphere. All of the shame and blame is gone for me. And because what others think is none of my business, if someone doesn’t like that I now have a boundary, oh well. People will need to look at themselves as honestly as I have to figure that out for themselves.
Lastly, the year showed me that I was capable of learning, capable of changing, that I still had things to heal and that healing really doesn’t end if you continue to do the deep personal growth work. We are always peeling back a layer and finding a deeper truth. As we heal, we can expand our perspective. New perspective allows for growth. Without growth, we stay the same, and what fun is that? I don’t want to feel the way I used to feel, always under pressure, always worrying about the next thing, always concerned that people will leave. Change, uncomfortable as it is, allows us to really be in touch with our deepest desires and then create the beliefs and feelings that embody those desires. We accelerate our growth to becoming our purest selves, the one we were meant to be before life threw us curveball after curveball.
Here is to great learning and transformation in 2022! As much as I love this version, 2023 promises another version that I know I will love even more, She is focused on allowing more; trusting myself and the universe more, surrendering control and the how more and most of all receiving. I have never felt comfortable receiving and although I have gotten better at it out of necessity, 2023 will be a year where I truly allow receivership.
Adieu to 2022! I hope your reflection is inspiring for you as well!